My biggest fault...

After 7 months, I feel confident in my abilities at Crossfit.  I feel like I am getting all the movements down and that I am actually not that bad.  I still have so much to work on, but I am not as nervous as I was the first month. lol

But how do you push yourself past a certain point and back into being uncomfortable?

I guess I don't know where to go next and I also get scared.  I get scared because I don't want to fail.  These weights for heavy. I always want to make sure I am ready.  But there comes a point where you have to push yourself in order to find out what you are truly able to do.

We were doing kettle bell swings today.  They were suppose to be "heavy" swings and we needed to go up in weight than we normal do.  So I did...I went up to 35 pounds.  Well one of my friends was watching me through most of the workout.  She came over and said, "you can do 44 pounds, you are swinging that around like it's nothing". So I attempted the 44 pounds.  She was right.  I needed to move up more in weight.  But I just double guess my abilities.  I have trouble pushing myself into the uncomfortable zone.

I need to "suck is up buttercup" and try to go harder.  I won't get better unless I truly learn how to push myself.  I need to not be scared of being uncomfortable again.

Where are you?

Where I am today is that where I will be two years from now? Five years from now? When will I move on from this high? Have I changed my lifestyle for good? Will there be a time when I am bored, tired and done with this? Frequent questions I seem to be asking myself.

Crossfit is becoming a high for me. When I am at my Box, I am on cloud 9. Nothing else is comparing to how Crossfit makes me feel about myself. Honestly, I have never felt this free and trapped at the same time. I feel free because I am pushing my body to the limits like I have never done before. I see my strength and courage on the daily and it just fuels me and my ego. I feel trapped because there is only a few people who can relate to me. I feel trapped because I am giving up my old lifestyle of drinking, partying and staying out late.

Also, I wonder how much the weather is playing into this "trapped" feeling. For 6 years, I lived down in North Carolina where there wasn't much of a winter. This winter is so rough and tough at the moment.  I don't want to go out. I don't want to be cold or drive in the snow. This winter weather is pushing me to my limits.

Once again I find myself in this "weird" stage of my life. It's like I have almost crossed over to living this different lifestyle. I don't want to go back, I really don't. But when you are starting to change how you are living then trying to fit back into society and with others often is a challenge. At times, I think people think I am crazy or turning into this "live, eat, shit, breath, let's go do this WOD" person. I am though. It is becoming a high. But walking out of my Box after a WOD is just the best feeling in the world. It truly is. Many will never understand this or ever feel it for themselves.

You can't have both. You can eat like shit and expect to get results. You can drink all the time or every weekend and expect to PR on a lift or run. So...how much do your goals mean to you? Should your goals always out way having late night fun with friends? I often find myself saying they should and your friends should understand and support your goals.

It's been 7 months and Crossfit is beginning to mold me into a better version of me. I hope two years from now I can say it all was worth it.

Let the bodies hit the floor

Since the open is only weeks away, my coaches feel is it necessary for us to do burpees everyday. I mean everyday. I am averaging about 30 or more burpees a day. I am doing so many burpees that I am actually enjoying them.  When the coaches plan them into a WOD, I actually think "Oh yes...I can have a break". When did burpees become a break??? Am I going crazy? I am starting to crave them. When you are doing multiple clean and jerks or front squats then go right into 15 burpees, it actually feels like a break.  I can somewhat catch my breath, which sounds so odd.

The pro's to doing so many burpees:
- burn calories
- full body workout
- great conditioning
- no machine needed...I am the machine

The con's to doing so many burpees:
- bruised knees
- might throw up
- extremely dirty
- exhausting

This winter has been so horrible.  Every week it is either snowing or the temp is into the negatives. So running outside has become a no go.  I haven't ran for a good month or so.  I have started going to the Sunday endurance class to help me with my conditioning.  It was an extremely tough WOD that consisted of 3,000 meter row with push ups, sit ups, pull ups and lunges built into the workout.  So hopefully with the amount of burpees I keep doing and my Sunday endurance WODs I will be good to go for these races. I have been going to Crossfit about 6 times a week to try and make up for not being able to run.  In the back of my mind I am super nervous that I have lost my stride.  But, I just need to trust my coaches, my WODs and my body that it will perform at top notch on race day!

Rome wasn't built in a day

I think maybe today was a hard day for everyone.  I cheated. I was super hungry after work and before Crossfit I ate a junior bacon cheeseburger and chicken nuggets.  I just was so hungry and had eaten all my food that I had packed for the day.  I felt so guilty afterwards too. 'They' say you have to change your relationship with food. But I'm sorry, sometimes I just want to eat...eat bad food. I've been eating whatever I wanted for my whole life and have had to attempt to change my lifestyle when I became a diabetic. Changing your lifestyle is so hard.  I swear it's a working progress everyday. So many temptations around you and so many people in your life who aren't doing what your doing.  But why do we continue to be so hard on ourselves and attempt to be perfect all the time.

I struggle with the word 'perfect' because I feel that I always have to be. I am no where near the word.  But it is apart of our society.  Women have to be perfect...perfect bodies...perfect weight...perfect everything in order to get and keep a man within a relationship.  I won't even begin on the subject of relationships. But why as women are we so hard on ourselves? Slow progress is better than no progress.

I will admit that I want the perfect body and I will probably continue to attempt to achieve it. But I also need to remember that this will not happen over night. So I did cheat today...my best friend did as well. She was being super hard on herself and I can completely understand, because so was I. But the thing is, tomorrow is a new day. I know we both have the strength to never give up. We will always work hard, set goals, and we will achieve them.

I beat myself up a lot because I have been doing crossfit for 6 months and I'm not where I want to be. How I feel inside and how I think I should look is not whats in the mirror.  So, I begin to revamp my diet and routine.  It's just I can't give up...not this time. I feel like I'm investing too much time, energy, money, and love this time to give up.

I just think this time around for me is different. I feel like I am on the right track.  Crossfit is beginning to change me and how I view food and life. I need to stop trying to be 'perfect' and take progress I do have and be happy.  Rome wasn't built in a day. lol. My body is going to take time and needs time to develop into the beast I want to become. I need time to get my eating habits in line where I only need to cheat one day a week.  I mean we all desire a treat once in awhile. I swear one bad day can change your outlook and almost get you off track, but at times we forget the days when we feel fucking amazing.

So, let's have the great days over ride the bad ones...

Ring the Bell!

Today was probably my best day at Crossfit.  I had a great performance. I have the coaches to thank for this.  They pushed me so hard. But well worth it.  At my Box...well in most Boxes...there is a PR Bell.  A real actual bell that you can ring.  During a strength session if you reach your one rep max, you get to ring the bell.  Well tonight, I got to ring the bell!

Tonights strength session was overhead squats.  Last time I worked on overhead squats, I think I squatted 70 lbs, but this was coming from the ground.  This time it came from the rack.  Our sets were 5-3-3-2-2-1-1. I went for it and hit my last rep at 105 lbs!!! I can't believe it.  I am still kind of in shock.  Such a rush.  I am constantly comparing myself to the other girls and I am almost right there with them. So proud...truly is amazing.

The WOD was a killer too.  It did have a time cap of 14 minutes, but since I always go to the  last class of the day we are allowed to just go ahead and finish the workout.  The reps were 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 of snatches, back squats and burpees (mind you we have been doing burpees every fucking day!).  So it would go something like this:

10 snatches
10 back squats
10 burpees

9 snatches
9 back squats
9 burpees

and so on...

Snatches are a pain in the ass.  Just you tube Crossfit Snatches and you will get a look.  Once again, my Coaches were on me today and pushed me so hard.  I finished the WOD in 15 minutes and 33 seconds.  My coach came over at the end while I was laying on the floor exhausted to give me a high five for working so hard.  Seriously...on cloud 9.

So now as I write this I am laying in bed icing my knees because I am just old (lol) and enjoying the feeling. I can't even imagine life without Crossfit now. I can't wait to go back tomorrow.  I can't wait to ring the bell again.

God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers...

I have told some people who are closest to me stories of how it feels to be a Type 1 Diabetic.  It took me a few years I even be able to communicate my feelings on it.  After 5 years, I can truly begin to tell my story.  The only one who really knows it all is probably my mother.  Without her, I probably wouldn't even be close to the person I am today. So here goes some of it...

After college, I moved down to North Carolina by myself and began my teaching career.  That summer, I came back to visit my family.  My mother and I went to the Ohio State Fair and that's when I found out I was a diabetic.  At the diabetic testing tent.  Where they do free blood sugar checks.  I don't remember what my blood glucose was, but they told us we needed to leave and go to the doctor.  Wonderful news...lol. So, we left and went to the doctor.  They told me I was a Type 2 Diabetic and I began medication.  I had no clue what I was doing.  I saw a dietitian and began working on my diet.  I knew Type 2 could be taken care of with diet.  That's what I did.  I watch everything I ate and took my medication.  Mind you no one tells you that these meds can really mess with your system.  I took me a few to find the right kind for me.  I lost A LOT of weight.  I got down to about 125 pounds.  I remember my mother looking at me and saying "Kari, you don't look good.  This isn't right". We began double guessing my doctor and went to search of a new one.

Lucky, the nurse at the school I was working at was able to give me the name of a wonderful doctor! Made an appointment, got my blood work done and that's when she dropped the bomb and said "You are a Type 1 Diabetic, and your body is barely making any insulin and we need to start today". I was loaded up with pens, needles and sent home.  I cried. This was truly the scariest moment of my life.  I had no clue how to take care of myself and I felt like I was just handed my death certificate.  Literally, I felt like a walking time bomb. I attended classes once and week, and learned how to eat and dose my insulin.  Great group of ladies, most of them above 50 years old.  They felt like mothers to me.  Diabetic mothers.  Don't worry, I cried to them too.  I stuck with the shots and pens for about two months and had a nervous break down.  Was this gonna be my life? 5 to 6 shots a day? How was I gonna do this for the rest of my life, every day, all month, all year? It literally takes a toll on your mental strength.

I made the decision to switch to the insulin pump to attempt to make my life easier.  I didn't sleep for 2 to 3 months when I first began the pump.  How do you trust a little machine with your life? What if it stops at night? What if I don't wake up? I fought sleep because I was so scared.  I was only 24 year old.  Why did this happen to me? I truly hated myself, life and God. Why me? Why this? For 23 years of my life, I was fine.  How the hell did this happen? I had to watch everything I did.  Each type of food now affected me differently. Stress affected me and started throwing me into lows.  I had to be careful about exercise, hot tubs, cold showers, roller coasters, sleep, hot/cold weather temps, getting sick, getting a cut, and the list goes on...Pretty much watch your every damn move. On top of all this, I was alone. My family was 9 hours away.  I was learning how to take care of myself all over again.

After 3 years of this up and down battle, I swear I woke up one day with a clear mind.  It was like out of no where, I just had a sense of peace over me. Maybe, I got comfortable with it all.  Maybe, I finally realized it was okay. I could do this. I had the strength. I had peace. I knew I could fight this, that I actually was the one in control.  Not all the time, but most of the time. I'm actually crying as I write this because I will always remember when I found peace. When I finally said that I forgave God.  Only 8% of people have Type 1 and I am one of them. I wouldn't want anyone I love to have to deal with this shit day in and day out. So I am proud to be apart of that 8%. I now am glad it's me and not you. They also say diabetes kills 1 person every 8 seconds and I am damned to let that be me. I have come to the realization that one day it truly may take my life. But not now.

So when I ran my first half marathon you can probably understand why I started crying at like 11th mile. I was doing it! I wasn't letting diabetes hold me back.  I won't. Maybe that's why I am obsessed with Crossfit and running.  I am achieving something so great.  I am beating diabetes.  I am not letting it ruin my life anymore.  I am not sitting at home scared to do things because of the "what ifs". This is my life and it will be amazing.

Haters gonna hate...

You know someone Crossfits because that's all they talk about.  Pretty much this is correct.  We all talk about it because it is addicting and everyday we are achieving.  It is such a rush.  Some people will never experience this feeling because they are HATERS.  I see so many things on the internet, Facebook, and Instagram from people that say Crossfit is dangerous and not legit.  No my friend.  Recently, a known Crossfitter was hurt and is paralyzed from the waist down.  Did this make me nervous or scared about Crossfit? Yes, a little.  But so did seeing 7 people being put on stretchers while I was snowboarding on New Years day.  Was I nervous about snowboarding? Yes. Did I continue to board for the rest of the day? Yes. But I was careful.

No matter what you do there are risks.  Just because one person gets hurt doesn't mean you are going to get hurt as well.  How many Crossfitters do you know get injured? I have been at my Box for 6 months and I have seen one person get hurt and that was her fault.  The girl was doing box jumps and was tired, instead of switching to step ups she continued to jump and fell onto the box.  The box sure did eat her legs.  That was her call though.  Crossfit didn't do that to her...her choice.

I think any sport you do takes a toll on your body.  When I train for races and run multiple times a week with long Saturday runs, I tend to get runner's knee.  I ice and heat and try to take care of myself the best I can.  It's all about knowing your own body and listening to your coaches.  I am thankful that my coaches are amazing.  They will carefully watch us on all lifts to make sure our formation it where it needs to be.  They will tell you to drop weight in a heart beat if they see something wrong with form.

I have a few good friends that are haters.  I sometimes think they hate because they aren't ready to change their lifestyle and they are scared.  Crossfit or any type of intense training can be scary.  Shit...even training for a race gets me nervous.  In the back of our minds is always the thought we might fail.  Like I said in my very first blog, I went through some emotional shit that got me into Crossfit.  We are all on our own journey.  So I'm gonna continue to let the haters drink their haterade, and I'm going to continue to talk about Crossfit as much as I can.

They are trying to kill me...

I love Crossfit, I do.  Seriously, the shit is addicting as hell.  But there are days when I'm wondering why the hell I do it.  It hurts....I mean really hurts.  For days at a time.  I have never hurt like this before.  I feel like my body hates, but loves me at the same time and will crave for more tomorrow.  I have never worked out like this before and I even played lacrosse all through high school and college.  So....every night my box posts the WOD (workout of the day) for the next day on Facebook.  I wait and wait to see what we are going to be doing.  But sometimes it will ruin my day.  Not ruin, but I'm scared all day long. LOL. I'm nervous and thinking how am I going to get through it.  For example...here is the WOD for tomorrow: 

WOD
20 min AMRAP of:
50 wall ball 20/14
50 double unders
40 box jump 24/20
40 T2B (toes to bar)
30 c2b pull ups (chest two bar)
30 burpees
20 cleans 135/95
20 jerks 135/95
10 snatch 135/95
10 muscle ups

CRAZY RIGHT?!?!? I think they are trying to kill us.  I think the coaches are trying to push us to our limits.  First off, there is no possible way I will finish all of that in 20 minutes.  No way.  But I will do as much as possible.  Sooo...all day tomorrow I am about to be nervous.  Mind you my body is dead right now.  Tonight I had a tough strength session and the WOD was 100 squats and if the bar touched the ground you had to do 5 burpees.  So I ended up doing 100 squats and like 25 burpees.  Here is how I got through it: 20 squats...5 burpees....20 squats...5 burpees...15 squats....5 burpees...15 squats...5 burpees...15 squats...5 burpees...15 squats.  I used two 25lb dumbbells on my shoulders for them too.      I tell you what! It burned! But, like I said I love it.  

On February 27th starts the Crossfit Open.  Anyone can try out for the Crossfit games.  For five weeks, they will release a new WOD every Friday.  The ones with the highest scores will enter into the games.  Well....I signed up. lol.  There is no possible way I will make it to the games, I know this.  But this could be fun.  Our coaches will make us do the WODs anyways, so might as well.  Plus, I would get to see how I am ranked with other people in Ohio, which would be kinda cool.  Maybe, I'm secretly a beast! 

Sooooo....all tomorrow I'll be nervous....

Yes...I am one of those "Paleo" people

 When I started Crossfit, I had multiple goals in my mind fitness wise.  First, I wanted to lose weight. I'll put it out there...I am 5'2 and started Crossfit at 150 pounds.  I am currently ranging between 145 to 140 pounds at the moment.  I was wearing a size 10 and am now in a size 6 or 8 (depending on the brand).  I would like to get down to 135 pounds and stay at a size 6.  I have the body type to be muscular and tend to put on muscle very easily.  So, kind of perfect for Crossfit.  However, I start building that muscle under my fat.  So annoying! Second, I want to have the define muscle look.  I pretty much want to be a badass.

This is where running and all these races come into play.  I try to change things up and make sure I put in some cardio to help me loose this fat.  So far, I do love my progress and how I am beginning to look.  I can see change in my back, shoulders, tummy, and legs.  So....I am going in the right direction.  I just find it to be very hard to loose weight.  I see other people loosing 10 pounds like nothing, but I can't! It takes me forever! Not giving up though.

But, here is my other "weird" stage that I am in.  I attempt to go on the "Paleo lifestyle" Monday through Friday.  Are my other friends doing this?! Hell no...So how can I relate to them? They just eat whatever they want, when they want.  I'm over here with my perfectly packed lunch.  I want to be fit, look like an athlete (in my mind I feel like one), and look so damn sexy in a bikini.  I want to be so comfortable in my own skin.

I also bet my friends on Facebook and Instagram get so sick of seeing my posts about Crossfit, running and my Paleo meals.  But in order for me to stay with it and succeed, I have to "Go Hard or Go Home".  I have become obsessed with it all.  I remember telling my friends, "Oh, I won't be one of those people". Ummm....well I have! Crossfit is a cult and I love it.  If anyone tells you it's not...they are lying. I can't even explain the feeling I get from Crossfit.  You have to try it yourself to understand.

For those who don't know what the "Paleo Lifestyle"is, it's pretty just eating meats, veggies, fruits and nuts.  All meat should be grass-fed and free range.  All veggies and fruit should be organic.  I tend to get all my meat from friends who have their own farms, certain markets in my area and when I travel out to the country.  I love this diet.  I truly don't feel like I am starving myself because I eat a wide range of meat.  I go from eggs, chicken, sausage, steak, and bison (my fav) all week.  So I don't really get bored with it.  I eat a lot of squash (butternut my fav) and cauliflower rice to help replace potatoes and regular rice.  Over the last month I have slipped up a bit and starting back eating sweet potatoes and quinoa.  Well, I am kicking those out and going back hard core these next 90 days to see if I can get where I need to be.  Paleo is actually perfect for diabetics, my blood sugars are amazing on it.

BUT I NEED TO GIVE UP DIET PEPSI AND CHOCOLATE!!! AHHHH!!! SMDH!!!! (this is a working progress everyday) Everything I read says you have to change your relationship with food.  Well when I am pissed off or tired, those are the things I grab.  I need to be grabbing water!

So....every Sunday, I will continue to cook all of my Paleo meals and stick with it.  Fuck those other people right? A year from now, I hope I can look back and say it was all worth it.  I hope I can change for good.  I hope I'll be comfortable in my skin and really never go back.

To party or to not? That is the question...

Oh....drinking....so much fun.  No really it is. You get to let loose, have no cares in the world and be wild with your friends for no reason.  I love drinking or I did love drinking.  Did I or was I just bored? I am not really sure.  I think it all just finally caught up to me.  I think I finally grew out of it and got bored with it.  Waking up the next day feeling like shit and sitting on the couch for the rest of the weekend just finally did me in.

Last year, running began to save me from drinking.  Mariya and I began planning Saturday morning runs.  I couldn't be hung over for those! I had a half marathon I was training for.  My body started feeling amazing. I began to realize I didn't care for the Ciroc bottle anymore.  I realized I rather do something else with my time.

But now...it's like I can hardly get motivated to drink just one drink.  I am in this "weird stage" in my life.  I crossfit between 3 and 4 times a week, then run 2 times a week....once this winter weather leaves! But, I spend a lot of money on my Crossfit membership and healthy food.  Why destroy all my progress with drinking?  I feel like I workout so much that my body is starting to reject alcohol.  I hardly even eat fast food! I ate fast food yesterday for the first time in about 2 months!

So this "weird stage".  I am 29 years old...still young.  All my friends still party on the weekends and I feel so lame.  How do you maintain your relationships with friends that just want to party and you don't? I still go out with them, but end up leaving early.  I guess maybe I am just growing up.  I love Crossfit and running.  It is such a rush and I feel like I accomplish something every day.  I want to look back on my life and be able to tell my kids the great things I did when I was young.  I don't just want to tell them drinking and partying stories.  I want to be able to look back when I am old and think "damn, I can't believe I traveled and ran all those races".  My memories I have running races and at my Crossfit Box are beginning to out weigh my drunken moments.

I am enjoying the direction that my life is going at the moment.  So I have decided to retire from drinking on the weekends and instead picking up my Reeboks to embark on a journey to become fit and healthy.

Six months in...

January 5th marked my sixth month at my Crossfit Box.  I am still shocked that I even began, let only am still going strong.  I began Crossfit for many different reasons.  The main reason was I went through a bad break up with someone I loved and a break up with friends I thought were family.  My heart was truly broken and to this day am still trying to recover.  The best thing for a broken heart though is getting out.  For a month, I sat in my room and cried.  That didn't fix shit.  I needed motivation...I needed to release all of my anger.  If you know me I'm not a person that show much emotion. I tend to hold A LOT of it in.

Crossfit saved me.  Crossfit dug me out of my hole.  Crossfit made me realize how great I truly am.  All of my anger, doubt, sadness, regret, sense of being lost has been slowly going away.  I started realizing who I was and where I should take myself.  The other reasons for starting was I had just moved back home and didn't have many friends.  I figured this might be a good way to start.  Also, I am a type 1 diabetic (5 years going strong) and I don't want this disease to take my life.  I want to stay healthy and strong and live a long life.

Well, if you haven't guessed already, this blog will mostly be about Crossfit and something else...Running!  I have had the pleasure of getting into running.  I began around August of 2012, and I have two great people to thank for that, Anita and Mariya.  I was horrible.  I mean horrible. I couldn't even run 3 miles.  But I wanted to run. I wanted to be fit. I wanted to be achieve something.  Almost two years later...I am running half marathons.  I am about to sign up for a full marathon in May, and have a half marathon scheduled for April and May.  If you would have asked me 3 years ago if I would be running and lifting heavy things, I'd say HELL NO!

But that last 6 months of been a roller coaster of emotions and without Crossfit I don't know what I would be doing...drinking...partying...laying around the house...not making a difference.  I guess sometimes you have to go through lows in life to find out what you are truly made of and who really matters in your life.